The Diary of Jane – Chapter 16: Searching for sanity

You know when it feels like everything is just a horrible uphill climb, and it seems as if life just mostly keeps hitting you hard in the face with a sledgehammer…?
When you’re constantly tired but you can’t sleep, can’t rest…
When pretty much every piece of your body is just screaming from pain and there is no energy left, no will to go on, to keep fighting.

When your eyes are hollow and the head is heavy and isn’t functioning the way it should at all…
When your brain is just a blur, and it feels like you are about to completely lose your mind…or what’s left of it.

When things around you makes it harder to breathe, and pretty much every little thing just freaks you out. Above all – social media. And you have hundreds of unread messages. And when the phone rings you panic no matter who it is. And you somehow know it doesn’t make sense, but you just can’t help it.
And you just don’t recoqnize yourself anymore, because you have become someone you don’t know.
Someone you don’t even like.

And music is painful, even your all time favourite songs make you feel ”bleeeerrrggghh…” – and your mind can’t take in new songs, because you can’t handle the input. And things you love doing are just impossible, because all creativity and inspiration is gone.

NUMB.

There is nothing that gives you that huge rush of joy and motivation, it’s all just about existence – and barely that.
For every step you take forward, it’s always two steps back.
Nothing really matters and you feel you’re slowly fading away, turning into a shadow of yourself.

The smile never reaches the eyes, and it even hurts to see the beauty of nature, because on the inside it’s all just different shades of grey and dark.
And well, then along comes November and suddenly absolutely everything is rainy and gloomy.

You feel like just giving up, because what’s the point anyway…?

And you torture yourself with memories from when there was that huge bringer of energy called live shows, tours, festivals and hugs.
It all just feels so distant now.

And bands doing live streams is great, but it has come to that point when it’s just not enough.
It becomes a painful reminder of what you can’t have.
That you can’t be a part of a crowd of kindred spirits, sharing the magic of what’s happening on stage, feeling it in every muscle, every bone of your body….

Even watching videos from your favourite bands hurts inside.
And those songs you always loved to sing along to – you don’t feel like singing at all.

You’re starving.
Live music and the magical energy it brings is like food, water, comfort, hugs and love – all in one.

And yes, you know there are actions to take, you KNOW how to turn things in a different direction, at least when it comes to what you can control….but it’s like you can’t.
You’d rather just crawl under a stone and stay there and wait for the world to start shining again.

But then, when you least expect it, IT FINDS YOU.
The song that somehow manages to awaken something deep inside you.
The song that SPEAKS directly to you, straight into your heart and soul.

The song that lets you know there is LIFE, HOPE, STRENGTH and SUNSHINE behind all the dark clouds.

And from deep within something is starting to grow, something that is making you feel that even though the short track you were prepared to run has turned out to be a triple marathon – there IS a finish line.
It’s waiting, telling you that everything is going to be OK.

For me, it’s this one.
“Dancing in hell as I smile”.
The dancing in hell part I know well…
Just need to figure out what happened to the smile and then bring it back.

”Though I bleed my wounds will heal”.
So it shall be.