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The Diary of Jane – Chapter 5: Paying the price

Still thinking about Chris Cornell over here…
The two year mark of him leaving us is coming up next week, and the sadness has taken my mind to the amount of other beautiful but broken souls in the world.

Those who have already left, and those who are still here with us…

This is for you.

I see you.
I feel you.
I know you.

All the pressure, the insecurity.
All the pain.

Always having to deliver and give your best and beyond, because otherwise it will never even be close to being good enough.

Never really being able to breathe and relax, because there is always something MORE you can do to, always more to give, always a need to turn yourself inside out…

…and still never feeling that you are good enough.

But then you get that ultimate rush of adrenaline, when everything is falling into place.

When you get so caught up in the moment that you are able to simply be HERE and NOW and enjoy.

That moment.

When you feel alive and on top of the world – where nothing can ever harm you or hurt you.
When all tears, every drop of sweat and blood, every sleepless night, all the hard work is finally paying off….

In that moment, when it’s all worth it.
That moment, when you truly are where you are supposed to be.

But then…
When you can’t hold back, and the dark side of your mind takes over again.
You start doubting yourself and your talent, compare yourself with others instead of being inspired by them, letting yourself be sucked into that spiral of negativity.

Paying the price of creativity by sacrificing your sanity…

And never allowing yourself to truly take time off, because there are always admiring mouths to be fed, some of which demand more than there is to give. Some that seem to forget that they are not the only fans and can’t respect privacy, can’t understand that you can’t be available 24/7.

But you allow that thought to get inside your head – because without the fans, where would you be?

And you tell yourself IT IS POSSIBLE to please everyone that demands a piece of you, and you give and give, even though you lose yourself more and more along the road.

But it doesn’t matter, because you fake another, even wider, smile and never let them see what’s eating you from the inside.

You give them laughther, when all you really want to do is scream and cry.

You sparkle, so nobody can see the scars, the emptiness, the hurt within.

You are burning up.
And the wheels just keep spinning.
Around and around…

Dear beautiful creative soul.
Breathe.
Protect your energy.
It is ok for you to rest.
You will still be shining.
Always.

Jane Cedenberger

Jane Cedenberger

Writer

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