The Diary of Jane – Chapter 7: PTD
…also known as Post Tour Depression.
Also known as really painful and tough feelings to deal with. Well, depending on what level of emotional you are, of course….. And let’s face it, since I am pretty much crying all the time for all kinds of reasons, it is a truly hard one for me.
It doesn’t even have to be a tour, it can be after a festival or a show or meeting someone truly special or whatever…anything that leaves that enormous hollow emptiness inside and makes you feel that a part of you is missing.
And kindly enough, it also comes with flashbacks, often when you least expect it…and even though you might be good at being in the HERE and NOW, you still get reminded of times passed. And you feel the same emotions, all over again.
Like the first tour I went on, with Bloodbound in the fall 2013, supporting U.D.O. – and also some own shows on the tour off days.
Three weeks of complete madness.
Thousands and thousands of kilometres travelled (in a minivan, packed with people, gear and merch boxes), 21 shows in 21 days. Hardly getting any sleep at all, but trying to – in shitty hostels and sometimes somewhere more or less in a corner, arranged by the venue… Having lunch (=sandwiches) at a gas station on the way to the next city…
We were all family, staying together pretty much 24/7…. And still managing to keep it all together, not getting angry at each other.
And then – the emptiness of just getting dropped off at home afterwards, as if nothing had happened.
Alone, without your special family.
And really painful.
That tour had some tough moments with the stress, the lack of sleep and flat tire surprises and such – but still I feel nothing but warmth when I think back. I remember all the laughters, funny memories, amazing new friends and good times.
And my daily hugs, of course. (I am such a hug monster, haha!)
And the pride and beauty of seeing the band on stage night after night and winning the audience over, getting tears in my eyes from new fans pretty much running to the stand to ask about the band, buying something…..
I really miss those guys.
I am truly happy for us all that we have gotten waaaay further since that, though!
There has been some turns with ups and downs since then, but that one will always be very special.
And so will my first one with Twilight Force also be, suporting Sonata Arctica in spring 2015. (Especially the sunny day off we had in Bologna, and the salty pistacchio gelato bought at this tiny little gelateria on a side street.)
But there is so far nothing that can beat the tour I was graced with getting to go on in Germany last year, together with And Then She Came.
And above all, the perfect team.
It is simply amazing how everyone just fit in and we all became this amazing unity, this loving family.
And for that moment in time, there was simply LOVE.
Not only was the body dancing (because, well… it was – during EVERY show), but also the soul and the heart.
It truly was a blessing and I am so completely filled with gratitude that I was allowed to be a part of this amazing adventure.
Just pure energy and love from start to finish… feeling safe, appreciated, loved. Those wonderful daily hugs, those smiles, the internal jokes that pretty much were there already from the first day.
…And having to say goodbye to them all is still killing me. The having to go home part was so extremely painful. Trying to be brave and smile on the outside, but hurting like hell on the inside.
That last evening, all the tears and pain, but at the same time happiness of the great times shared. The pride of all the stage passion I had the pleasure of watching. The great new friends. The fans. The blue case. The teamwork. The amazing talks.
It was too short and ended way too soon….but I will forever and ever be grateful for all the love, laughter, energy flow (and HUGS!!), filling the soul with magic.
The best one ever.
The perfect combination of people, creating an air of love and warmth.
Together we were perfect.
This previously unreleased video clip, a #stargazedmagazineexclusive – might give away some of the beautiful love we shared. I know I can feel it all – all the joy and the missing. Every single time I see it.
And can I please please pleeeeeaaase have this again soon?